It’s hard to feel worth it, when your insides feel so dirty. When you get lost in the lonesomeness, and your heart feels like a loaded gun.
Why do we try, or read between the lines? To conform to the pressures around us, and lie in the graves that press us down.
Make me, make me something worthy. Something worthy of your glory. Make me, make me something worth more than a single individuals dream. Take me, take me far away. Where you’re only limited by the rules and regulations you set for yourselves.
Let me, let me feel something.. Something that’s worth feeling.

Because I want something worth feeling, not just this unquenchable worthlessness. not this desire to just make my self blend in with our surroundings. I want a fire lit within me so I’m not terrified to reach for those stars just out of my range of sight. A life full of joy and laughter, not one of mourning and discomfort. Make me real, make me real. Make me worth it in your eyes, and transfer their sight to mine.
Just don’t leave me with this improbable loneliness.

Has been reminded once again why I love to play the guitar… Such a good way to cope and vent. And express how I feel. If only my writing skills was up to par with my feelings.. Maybe one day.

Going to do lung functions tomorrow. Wish me luck to be at least a 43 again. I can’t afford to backslide again right now.

“I’m on my knees. But so are you, unfortunately for the wrong reasons.”

Trying something new, figuring things out, looking at different reasons to put myself out there for the something good for me. Still trying to convince myself that there is love out there for me, but I’m a work in progress. Ultimately my status is: Working on the continued progression of my happiness and being content in where I am and where I need to go.

On a lesser note: I’M GETTING THE EFF OUT TUESDAY! And I have a picnic date with someone very special guys in my heart. :)

A lot of the times I think about what it would be like to be considered a normal, and healthy eighteen year old senior in high school. I admit, lately I have been going through a state of horrible depression that I honestly been throwing myself a giant pity party. But now, I’ve come to the conclusion, with help of Cheyenne, and going along with moral support with two of my physical therapists to do there pft’s that I’m okay with who I am. Because I simply wouldn’t be the same person, wouldn’t have the same small joys in life that I have now, wouldn’t do the things I do now, and honestly I don’t think I would’t be me.. Thank you Cheyenne.. I’m sorry I’ve basically put you through emotional hell dealing with the inner workings of my crazy ass mind, but I finally realized that I have to accept myself, and my own faults to grow and be a better person. I finally get it, and that’s why I’m actually gonna make a effort in counseling. Or I hope I will. I love you. I can finally say it and mean it, but it’ll get better. The ups are what we strive for, and the downs are make us who we are.

I want to believe that there’s someone out there for me. I want to believe that I am what someone would be perfectly ever after with.. I want to believe that I’m wanted as is, without any changes or altering.
But please go along with me for a moment.
Dear Man Of My Dreams;
I don’t believe we’ve met yet, and I honestly cannot wait until we do. I know they say good things come to those that wait, but unfortunately some of us don’t have that long. I want to believe that you’re perfect for me in every way. That you won’t end up resenting me for my sickness, and that sometimes I’m not in the mood for anything other than for you to hold me. Even when I’m gross and sick. I know I’ll be asking a lot of you, to be with me all through this. For you to ignore those coughing spells, or you to not get irritated when I need you to carry me. Or turn my pumps off sometimes. Maybe even spend some time with me in the hospital.. To not care that I don’t have the energy to keep up with you. To understand that sometimes I don’t have the healthiest state of mind, and I feel like I should make permanent ends to temporary pain. I just want you to be here for me. And my God I want to be there for you. I want to be everything you’ve ever dreamed, or wanted. I want to make you smile with the dumb things I say or do, or my obsession with corgi’s and puppies. I want to make you dinner, I want to make you lunch every day for work and put cute things in there that mean something to just me and you, that no one else would ever understand. I want to watch all the sports you want, hunting if that’s what you want. Make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day. Take care of you when you’re sick. I want to be perfect for you, without giving up me.
But I’m scared.
Man Of My Dreams, if I ever met you, I would just walk away. I’m a coward. I don’t want to take the chance you would crush me like everyone else. But most of all? I don’t want to hurt you. I hurt everyone. I don’t want to leave you, forever. But I will.
Dear Man Of My Dreams, accept this apology.
I haven’t even met you yet, but I won’t do this to you too. I’m sorry. Even if you never know, forgive me.

I’m not worth it.

I have never been what you wanted. You’ve looked elsewhere. If you would have gave me a chance, I think I could have been everything you wanted.. I wished I could. Now I’m just watching you be happy. And I hope one day that’ll be enough for me.
But this is the first and last time this will happen. I’m going to enjoy it. I hope..

“And her very first love is holding her close, and the soft wind is blowing her hair.”

They are gonna have to up my depression medicine. I can already tell that this stay is going to be crap. If I see a rainbow I’m turning the fuck around and going home, health be damned. No new tattoo this time. No new pets. I don’t want to go to the prom to the point of asking to stay in the hospital.
I fucking HATE being three hours away.fuck my life

If I could put into words my emotions for tonight it be a few.. Grief, mourning, sadness, resentment, and loneliness. Another cyster was taken from our community today. One I grew up with as a child, and lost contact as her life expanded to those that loved and cherished her. Breathe Easy, Brandi. All I can see is the lives that were lived, but never really experienced. Having our own troubles, but never ones that are expected at our age. I mourn the loss of all our childhoods.. While most of us (me especially) have our moments of absolute childishness and mischief, but as they all have said, we’re old souls in our own way. I guess if our bodies cannot be old, our souls will have to make do. I absolutely do not want to go to the hospital. I don’t want to leave. Two weeks at home wasn’t the break they imagined.. It was a tease of, this is what you’re missing now, and what you will be missing when you go back… In two days. I honestly couldn’t hate something or someone as much as I hate terminal diagnosis at this point. Or being made to make a choice, their life or yours. Or having to think about having to make that choice. And it feels as though I’m doing this alone in a way.. I don’t have that person that completely makes it worthwhile, who doesn’t balk at the face of my problems, who doesn’t run away at the first sign of danger… I’m alone, in that way, and I just can’t hold out hope that this will change. I need a break. I don’t want to leave my best friend. I don’t want to leave ever. I just want answers…

You gave me light when I had none.. You made me smile when I couldn’t.. You made me want my favorite food without me realizing it, when I wouldn’t eat. You and one other person, has given me hope while I breathe.. I know I’ll never be what you want. I’ll never do the things you’ve wanted, and what I’ve secretly wanted. I’ll be content with the time you give me, while you’re happy with someone else. Cause that’s all I want. You to be happy.

Truth. That is completely true. If you don’t think you deserve it, you won’t get it. But, convincing yourself you deserve to be happy, and be loved is a completely different story.. :x And finding someone who is completely there for you, and will try is also a hard one.